WAXING(Too Funny!!!) October 25, 2008
DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I DO NOT KNOW WHO WROTE THIS!
I LAUGHED TILL I CRIED.
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>> Subject: Waxing
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>> For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don’t
>> will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This
>> is by far one of the funniest things I have ever read.
>>
>> Hair Removal…
>>
>> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
>> painless removal – The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the
>> wax. Read on………
>>
>> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
>> with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
>> mind for the next few hours:
>>
>> ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’ So I
>> headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
>>
>> It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
>> just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
>> them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
>> hair right off.
>>
>> No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am
>> mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>>
>> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
>> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
>> get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
>>
>> (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
>> skin around it tight and pull. It works!
>>
>> OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
>> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
>> body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
>>
>> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
>> back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
>> drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
>> procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line,
>> covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of
>> my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
>> myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>>
>> I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWSHH!!!!!!!!!
>>
>> Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the
>> strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
>> spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay
>> conscious.
>>
>> Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.
>>
>> I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
>> so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
>> glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There’s no
>> hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>>
>> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
>> hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. I am
>> touching wax.
>>
>> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
>> covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
>> mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
>> need to do something. So I put my foot down.
>>
>> Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
>>
>> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
>> think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may
>> pop off!’ What can I do to melt the wax?
>>
>> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand
>> into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
>> melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>>
>> I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
>> prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
>>
>> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
>> is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
>> tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
>>
>> So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
>> myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
>> months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>>
>> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
>> secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter
>> ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
>>
>> There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal
>> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
>> where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
>>
>> She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown
>> and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>>
>> YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
>>
>> While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
>> wax off with a razor Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
>> parts covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
>> water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
>>
>> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m
>> pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
>> event.
>>
>> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
>> grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
>> really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!
>>
>> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
>> friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. ‘IT WORKS!! It works
>> !!’
>>
>> I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
>> successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
>> and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!
>>
>> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
>> could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>>
>> Next week I’m going to try hair color…
>>
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